Recently, I was doing some reflection on my writing. One of the genres that I love to write is fiction. Yet, it's been an entire year since I have written anything fiction. I started to wonder why that is. Why would I not do something that I enjoy so much? So I dug in a little further.
The truth is I am afraid. I am afraid of labels I may put on myself about how it will turn out. I am afraid that I forgot how to write fiction, that it won’t come naturally. Ultimately, I discovered that I am afraid that a poor story or something that didn’t turn out, would mean I am a bad writer.
The intellectual side of me knows that I have an identity problem if I am able to label myself so quickly. I should regard myself as a child of God and that should be enough. But I do find many labels that I attach to myself and it is not easy to abandon them. I am a mother, a wife, a sister, a friend, an author, and a writer. But these roles should not be my identity.
Do I believe I can control outcomes? When I am in patterns of life where I am having to take action alot in my job and at home, I can tend to lose sight of who is in real control of my life. I tend to think that I am the puppet master for a short time. But then the unexpected occurs or does not go in favor of my perfect plan, and I am reminded that I am not in control of outcomes. The truth is I don’t want to write fiction because I am afraid that the outcome will define something about me that will change my dreams and the direction my life is going right now and I don’t think I can handle that.
It is so interesting how quickly we can forget a lesson we already learned. But when I wrote my children’s book, Even Me, I had this expectation and plan of how it would turn out and it was completely different than I imagined when I wrote it. (And I actually like how it turned out, rather than what I had planned.) I allowed the story to evolve as I wrote it and abandoned any voices that wanted to correct a certain part of it. There was complete freedom to be what the story will be. A release of expectations and outcomes to let things come and be spirit-filled.
I have decided that this year, I am going to flex my imaginative muscle and write fiction again. And I am going to release the expectations and any label that I fear I will give myself. I am going to write and have fun and not control the outcome. But it won’t be easy. I still hesitate that I will be able to do it fully. I may have to release every writing session and maybe multiple times during the writing session. This is the freedom that my Creator wants for me. So many parts of our lives are a reflection of each other. I think I often do not take action in other areas in my life because I do not trust that God is truly in control of my life. I do not trust that he will know what is best for me and it will work for my good.
God, I release my expectations and outcomes to you and put my full trust in your will for my life. I will write fiction and have fun doing it and I will not let the outcome define my identity as a valued and loved and chosen person for your Kingdom. You are good, not because you make all things work out the way I want them to, but because you make all things turn to good and you never leave me. Thank you for your faithfulness and guidance and the ability to create new things to share with others.
If you have similar struggles, my prayer for you is that you will release and trust that God wants the best for you, even if it doesn’t look like it in the natural world right now. I pray for the freedom that God wants for you. Release.